Glossary of Super-Fun Road Trip Terms for your Next Car Adventure

1. Cruise Control Monkey - Fellow motorist obsessed with staying locked into his cruise control speed regardless of the inconvenience (let alone unsafe conditions) it causes others. You know the guy driving in the fast lane -passing cars in slow motion because they refuse to adjust their speed while you and a host of others behind you wait for their slow pass so you can finally get around him. Used in a sentence: I wish that cruise control monkey would get out of my way.

2. The Onslaught - The act of looking in your rear view mirror to see a wave of swiftly moving traffic approaching. This normally happens as you approach the heart of a metropolitan area. Used in a sentence: I can see the onslaught and it doesn’t look good.

3. Jamming – The act of slow passing a vehicle in the passing lane while essentially forcing them to slow down to avoid hitting a much slower traveling vehicle such as a semi-truck in the outside lane. Used in a sentence: I hope that bastard stops jamming me.

4. Squirrelly Rig – Any pickup truck pulling a mostly (or completely) empty trailer at a high rate of speed. The trailer will have a tendency to skip down the highway bouncing from side to side and appear to want to come un-hitched from the truck’s bumper. Used in a sentence: That squirrelly rig looks like it’s going to hit my car.

5. Drop the Hammer – (this term my friend, the Colonel made up). Approaching an intersection with a signal light at a high rate of speed as you sense the light is about to change from green to yellow to red. This is done so you will not have to miss the light. Obviously you can only drop the hammer when you are the lead car; frequently the car ahead of you will hesitate and not drop the hammer preventing you from crossing the intersection and will have to wait for the signal light to cycle through. Used in a sentence: I wish that fool ahead of me would’ve dropped the hammer because I’m late for work.

6. Shitbox- Any four cylinder automobile that has trouble keeping pace in normal metropolitan freeway traffic scenarios. While these automobiles are more fuel efficient than their counterparts, they actually create hazards because of their lack of horsepower (acceleration capabilities). Used in a sentence: That fleet of shitboxs is making a mess of rush hour today.

7. Gumming up the Works – (this term my friend, the Colonel made up). “Gumming” refers to motorists who lack rudimentary driving skills or are unable to pay attention to the road or drive automobiles that are not road worthy OR any combination of the former AND therefore create less than ideal road/driving conditions for everyone else. Used in a sentence: That jackass driving the pickup full of lawn mowers is gumming up the works.

8. Hitting the Wall – The phenomenon of driving into a wave of near stand still traffic. This is a common occurrence when driving on the freeway INTO a metropolitan city especially during the rush hour parts of the weekday. Used in a sentence: It was five o’clock in Chicago and I hit the wall.

9. Grabbing Some Brake – Essentially what you do before you are “hitting the wall” but furthermore anytime a motorist has to de-accelerate very quickly. Used in a sentence: I saw that fool ahead of me grabbing some brake.

10. False Rush Hour – A false sense of street and freeway “hectic ness” during peak times of the day when in fact no major frenzy exists. Memphis has false rush hour, Los Angeles and Boston do not. Used in a sentence: I thought it would take me a long time to get here but it was really just false rush hour.